I'm Still Alive and Free
I'm Still Alive and FreeJust a quick note of explanation for my regular audience.
I haven't made a new video in a long time and website updates have become irregular. For proof-of-life (hehe) you might want to follow my "associate" on Twitter. (see: (4) Mrs. Smith (@FringeViews) / Twitter )
Many of you know I had intended to take a break in January but put it off to cover the Trucker Convoy in Canada. It was a very important moment for my country so I used every last bit of energy I had to do reports about it at the time. After the convoy coverage I did the one WEF Global Shapers video because I felt the information was important as it gave the public a chance to pinpoint exactly who they could track and approach in their local areas. I was glad to see that information spread far and wide! Thank you to everyone who jumped on that topic and contributed with their own research, sharing the video, etc.
After that Global Shapers report went out, I ran out of gas.
Look, I know these moaning-type posts must be getting boring for you. It's not a subject I want to be writing about, believe me, but I think an explanation is warranted after such a long absence. My apologies if the following comes off as self-indulgent but there are those who I know are worried about me or who are wondering whether or not I'm gone for good so this post is for them. (God bless all of you for your genuine care, concern and connection. I am so grateful and blessed beyond words to have such a wonderful group around me.)
Let me start by acknowledging something important that is missing from the bulk of commentary in this day and age: we are living in a time of disorientation, loss, grief, desperation, information overload, and (mostly falsified) existential terror. We are being tortured, and torture works. People lose themselves. People acquiesce to all sorts of things they didn't think possible under normal circumstances. People go into shock. People give up, they cave in, and people die. Even though torture always succeeds in changing a person, it is not all negative in the end. I would never, ever advocate for torture and believe it to be a great evil, so don't mistake my message here. But there are some individuals who become stronger in some ways from the experience. Changed, and mostly negatively so, but having been forged in the fire their resolve hardens and becomes unbreakable. During the period of torture, however, each individual suffers in different measure according to his or her own constitution. Like it or not, that is where we are now. We are all still enduring the torture. What has been forced upon us for the past two (or more) years has been and continues to be a destruction of society, economy, culture, family, faith and individuals. Whatever stage you're in at the moment, however you are personally dealing with the torture I'm sure you will be able to relate to some of what I'm about to write.
Without getting into details, I can share that I've been lost in the Land of Deep Mourning for a while now. At first, even though the Covid Craziness was horrifying, I had been able to face it because my personal world remained intact. I had a sheltered island to retreat to while the surrounding sea was roiled by fear, doubt and uncertainty. For about 16 months following March 2020 I was able to see, research and deliver all the ugly news without it eating away at my heart and soul. I went to sleep at night peacefully because I felt that from my island I could perhaps help to inform people and thus help bring sanity back to society with my little contributions. This foundation - my island - had been all I needed to be able to carry on staring into the abyss, bring you reports, and even have a chuckle from time to time.
In September my island sunk into the deep. I can't tell you what happened for the sake of privacy though I dearly wish to dilute the exquisite pain contained in the story by pouring it out of me and into the hearts of all who read it. To do so would be selfish, though, so I choose to contain it within. Suffice to say that it was a blindside. The facts took weeks to fully set in and the emotional rollercoaster has not come to a stop yet. Since September I've been dealing with the typical stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining and depression. Since this wasn't a death there's not been an end point. I can't accept it because the future is still unfolding. Maybe instead of 'acceptance' which is supposed to be the final stage of grief I will have to learn to live with it in another way.
In any case, what I found was that I couldn't look at the news any more. All of it was (is?) too painful. I could (can) barely interact with people. Who will I be when I come out the other end of this? How much of this is me being over-dramatic? What do I want for the future and am I even in control of this death/rebirth that I feel I'm going through?
Coincidentally (or probably not) my physical health began to deteriorate as well. It is mostly my eyes, as it was when I'd tried to escape Ontario and drive part way across the country. (Is this God or the Adversary stepping in I wonder?) Perhaps it is related to the fact that everything is twice as difficult to do now but my energy level has plummeted to a concerning level. What with the medical system here having bottomed out - not only will doctors not see patients in the office (hello Great Reset & Telehealth) - but I'm dubious in the extreme about interacting with it anyway.
As you can probably guess much of my work time is spent reading so with very blurry vision, well, you can guess how that has impacted my routine. And not just for reading, of course, but for all aspects of life. Perhaps de to the psychological factors in play I have found that when I try to work I feel nauseated and shaky, like I've been through a form of aversion therapy (torture, maybe.) On the other hand not working and not producing has also been very difficult. This is the basic shape of the hole I'm trying to climb out of with the help of distance, prayer and reflection.
As I type today I believe I'll be able to make a video soon, God willing. I'm feeling a little better lately and I've worked out some 'Mad Max' solutions for my ever-changing vision (see pic). Just a few days ago I got a new pair which works today but may not work a week from now. Luckily I have kept almost every pair of glasses I have ever worn, so I have material to work with. 🙂 Hey - it's a head start on the coping skills we'll all need in the 'you-will-own-nothing-and-be-happy' future, right? I can be the hobo optician. Ha!
Once again I apologize for making a post that is all about me and my problems (cringe) but as I said I've been away long enough that my monthly subscribers and other supporters were owed an honest explanation for my absence.
Thanks for reading, and don't forget to check out that twitter link. Mrs. Smith would be happy to see you.
God bless,
Polly
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reviews
Catherine Bradley
16 Apr 2022
I ran out of space and wanted to let St. John of the Cross have the last words: "I saw the river over which every soul must pass to reach the Kingdom of Heaven. And the name of that river was Suffering. And I saw the boat which carries souls across the river. And the name of that boat was Love. To suffer and to be despised for love of Thee, O Lord"
Catherine Bradley
16 Apr 2022
Dear Polly, I came to know your work when the Covid scam started and I am so grateful to you for all that you have done for so long. I'm so sorry to hear that you are so stricken. Back in 2009, I had a island which disappeared all of a sudden. I was still single back then and the prospect of losing this 20 year plus friendship cut to the very core. I had just watched a programme about the saintly Father Solanus Casey, One of his many gifts was his ability to read souls and his profound humility. Someone said of him that whatever triumph or tragedy came his way (like all living saints he was plagued with debilitating illness and terrible trials besides) he would thank God fervently saying 'Thank you Lord. I must need this.' knowing as he did that 'Everything works to the good for those who love God.' When the pain of what I was about to lose was at its height, I said through my tears 'Thank you Lord, I must need this.' Even though I continued to fight to avoid having to suffer this loss, in the end I did not succeed and as time passed, I came to know without a doubt that it was the best thing that could have happened. This world and our time in it is passing - we see this more clearly with every passing day in these truly apocalyptic times. In the end, there is only one prize worth winning - our eternal salvation. These wicked fools trying to build their Tower Of Babel will have their fleeting moment but they are doomed. God bless, Catherine
Sunny
16 Apr 2022
Whatever your tribulations are Polly remember today is the first day of the rest of your life. You are a very special lady!
Martin Cahill
16 Apr 2022
Hello polly i have just read your letter still alive and free and I want to tell you are loved and missed .
Niva
16 Apr 2022
Thank u fir for all your work m sharing . Much love and srength to you.
Every thing has it's timing...we need to listen.
Much love
Every thing has it's timing...we need to listen.
Much love
Chrissy
16 Apr 2022
Hi Polly! Miss you, and sending you well-wishes on your healing. It's been a tough two years :/ don't forget the healing power of naturopaths and health supplements. Lutein is great for eyes! I hope you feel energized and revitalized soon. Love hearing from you.
Warmly,
Chrissy
Warmly,
Chrissy
Steven
16 Apr 2022
We've all missed you. I am happy to hear you are alive and doing as well as you can. You need not apologize for being "selfish", you need to take care of your self as we all do, especially in the uncertain times we are all living in today.
I will be praying for you and yours. God bless you both. I am looking forward to the future with your talent for exposing the truth shining again.
I will be praying for you and yours. God bless you both. I am looking forward to the future with your talent for exposing the truth shining again.
Noelle Rooney
16 Apr 2022
God bless you...you've been an amazing help and voice of reason to me in a crazy uncertain world. You've helped me more than I can ever express.