I'm Still Alive and Free
I'm Still Alive and FreeJust a quick note of explanation for my regular audience.
I haven't made a new video in a long time and website updates have become irregular. For proof-of-life (hehe) you might want to follow my "associate" on Twitter. (see: (4) Mrs. Smith (@FringeViews) / Twitter )
Many of you know I had intended to take a break in January but put it off to cover the Trucker Convoy in Canada. It was a very important moment for my country so I used every last bit of energy I had to do reports about it at the time. After the convoy coverage I did the one WEF Global Shapers video because I felt the information was important as it gave the public a chance to pinpoint exactly who they could track and approach in their local areas. I was glad to see that information spread far and wide! Thank you to everyone who jumped on that topic and contributed with their own research, sharing the video, etc.
After that Global Shapers report went out, I ran out of gas.
Look, I know these moaning-type posts must be getting boring for you. It's not a subject I want to be writing about, believe me, but I think an explanation is warranted after such a long absence. My apologies if the following comes off as self-indulgent but there are those who I know are worried about me or who are wondering whether or not I'm gone for good so this post is for them. (God bless all of you for your genuine care, concern and connection. I am so grateful and blessed beyond words to have such a wonderful group around me.)
Let me start by acknowledging something important that is missing from the bulk of commentary in this day and age: we are living in a time of disorientation, loss, grief, desperation, information overload, and (mostly falsified) existential terror. We are being tortured, and torture works. People lose themselves. People acquiesce to all sorts of things they didn't think possible under normal circumstances. People go into shock. People give up, they cave in, and people die. Even though torture always succeeds in changing a person, it is not all negative in the end. I would never, ever advocate for torture and believe it to be a great evil, so don't mistake my message here. But there are some individuals who become stronger in some ways from the experience. Changed, and mostly negatively so, but having been forged in the fire their resolve hardens and becomes unbreakable. During the period of torture, however, each individual suffers in different measure according to his or her own constitution. Like it or not, that is where we are now. We are all still enduring the torture. What has been forced upon us for the past two (or more) years has been and continues to be a destruction of society, economy, culture, family, faith and individuals. Whatever stage you're in at the moment, however you are personally dealing with the torture I'm sure you will be able to relate to some of what I'm about to write.
Without getting into details, I can share that I've been lost in the Land of Deep Mourning for a while now. At first, even though the Covid Craziness was horrifying, I had been able to face it because my personal world remained intact. I had a sheltered island to retreat to while the surrounding sea was roiled by fear, doubt and uncertainty. For about 16 months following March 2020 I was able to see, research and deliver all the ugly news without it eating away at my heart and soul. I went to sleep at night peacefully because I felt that from my island I could perhaps help to inform people and thus help bring sanity back to society with my little contributions. This foundation - my island - had been all I needed to be able to carry on staring into the abyss, bring you reports, and even have a chuckle from time to time.
In September my island sunk into the deep. I can't tell you what happened for the sake of privacy though I dearly wish to dilute the exquisite pain contained in the story by pouring it out of me and into the hearts of all who read it. To do so would be selfish, though, so I choose to contain it within. Suffice to say that it was a blindside. The facts took weeks to fully set in and the emotional rollercoaster has not come to a stop yet. Since September I've been dealing with the typical stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining and depression. Since this wasn't a death there's not been an end point. I can't accept it because the future is still unfolding. Maybe instead of 'acceptance' which is supposed to be the final stage of grief I will have to learn to live with it in another way.
In any case, what I found was that I couldn't look at the news any more. All of it was (is?) too painful. I could (can) barely interact with people. Who will I be when I come out the other end of this? How much of this is me being over-dramatic? What do I want for the future and am I even in control of this death/rebirth that I feel I'm going through?
Coincidentally (or probably not) my physical health began to deteriorate as well. It is mostly my eyes, as it was when I'd tried to escape Ontario and drive part way across the country. (Is this God or the Adversary stepping in I wonder?) Perhaps it is related to the fact that everything is twice as difficult to do now but my energy level has plummeted to a concerning level. What with the medical system here having bottomed out - not only will doctors not see patients in the office (hello Great Reset & Telehealth) - but I'm dubious in the extreme about interacting with it anyway.
As you can probably guess much of my work time is spent reading so with very blurry vision, well, you can guess how that has impacted my routine. And not just for reading, of course, but for all aspects of life. Perhaps de to the psychological factors in play I have found that when I try to work I feel nauseated and shaky, like I've been through a form of aversion therapy (torture, maybe.) On the other hand not working and not producing has also been very difficult. This is the basic shape of the hole I'm trying to climb out of with the help of distance, prayer and reflection.
As I type today I believe I'll be able to make a video soon, God willing. I'm feeling a little better lately and I've worked out some 'Mad Max' solutions for my ever-changing vision (see pic). Just a few days ago I got a new pair which works today but may not work a week from now. Luckily I have kept almost every pair of glasses I have ever worn, so I have material to work with. 🙂 Hey - it's a head start on the coping skills we'll all need in the 'you-will-own-nothing-and-be-happy' future, right? I can be the hobo optician. Ha!
Once again I apologize for making a post that is all about me and my problems (cringe) but as I said I've been away long enough that my monthly subscribers and other supporters were owed an honest explanation for my absence.
Thanks for reading, and don't forget to check out that twitter link. Mrs. Smith would be happy to see you.
God bless,
Polly
314
reviews
Steve
13 Apr 2022
I miss seeing your inspirational smile. My turn to be selfish. I hope that you feel better and decide to make a video again soon. Everyday I looked for content from you. Watching you deliver the news did more than transform the daunting task of digesting current events from dreadful to palatable. You made watching the news something that I looked foward to so much that it was the highlight of my day. Take the well deserved break that you need. I shall eagerly await your return. I'm glad that you are safe. There it is. Like I said my turn to be selfish.
Dlfg
13 Apr 2022
I’m glad I checked. I’m even more glad you’re still “here”. I feel you. Keep praying, fighting and being you. YOU are important.
Ádám
13 Apr 2022
Hi Polly. Thank you for making the decision to still make an effort sharing substantial information with us, despite what you're going through. I'd like you to know that your voice reaches far and wide, into such communities you might have not thought would be possible. For instance, I was born and brought up in Hungary - it is still my home - yet I am here listening to You. Not to put pressure on you - you can rest anytime you need, of course. Today I am able to stand on my own legs in terms of sensing what I haven't been able before, for better orientation in the bigger picture. The reason I am still listening is that although there is not much new under the Sun anymore (the same old principles at work, in different clothings), I believe it is important to be able to reach out and make connections with others if we wanted, to make others feel loved and understood, and to eliminate fearful emotions in our own private environment - and I feel like this possibility can and should be an option openly accessable in all corners of our world . When I look at your work, I see the potential of this happening. Thank you for being here with us and doing what you do, whatever form it will ever take.
Karla
13 Apr 2022
Praise God Polly! You live! I am so frightened by your vision problems but so thankful you typed us a “love letter” for we love you too! XO
Kris
13 Apr 2022
I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling. I will definitely keep you in my prayers. I assure you it isn't God doing this but His adversary. Satan does not want you exposing his evil deeds! However, we do! I look forward to each and every video you put out. You are so smart and God has given you this unique ability to connect the dots of how Satan is using all of his children in the world and how they are going about their evil deeds. You bring them to light and they scurry like the cockroaches they are! I have also been suffering lately with my family and feeling great depression, but after two years, I feel that God is finally bringing me out of it. Praise God! He has been there all along and He is there for you too Polly! Please take good care of yourself and we will all hold you in prayer as you go through your own "Golgatha" - we all go through our own - none of us escape it - or we don't grow. Love to you always!
Mike S.
13 Apr 2022
Polly I've lost a lot of my free timl lately so finally got around to your site where I was hoping to read an update. Don't feel obligated to push on our behalf. Remember, what you've done for your loyal subs ended up exactly as God planned. Your subs were a reflection of what you produced. Still are. So, Polly hersrlf would not want to push or force Polly back. Until the situation is REALLY right. And, that's why we won't either. You've taught us more than you realize in areas you might be surprised to discover. Therefore, if you stopped completely or went audio only. Nothing can subtract from what you've done. Gold nuggets don't just fade away! And neither will the ones you gave us!
Cid
13 Apr 2022
Polly, rest & recover! It's going around. You are not alone. Pace yourself. At the end of the day we all needed to grow-up & take responsibility for our information gathering along with health, finances, education, politics, spirituality, ect. We have much work to do. So we begin! Be of good cheer, you do not shoulder the cause alone. Not all will join the crusade (too bad for them) but we are a mighty force. Victory is ours💞💫Godspeed warrior
Thais
13 Apr 2022
Dear Polly, so good tô know you didn’t give up with your mission to inform us. Even though this time the information is about your own health,
For me, your reappearance is the beginning of your recovery., Keep thriving and sharing your thoughts with no concern. We are your followers, friends and care for you!
You may count on me to lend you my remaining energy whenever you need. I share the same feeling of been an island but sometime one of us is more prepared to fight the bad weather and can help you through in any way. As a matter of fact , I”ve been coming here to check for a new video several times and was getting concerned why you didn’t show up.
Thank you for all your work, effort, and insights.
Take your time and may God give you the strength and energy you need to overcame this moment and recover all your physical and emotional health. Lots is blessings querida Polly!
For me, your reappearance is the beginning of your recovery., Keep thriving and sharing your thoughts with no concern. We are your followers, friends and care for you!
You may count on me to lend you my remaining energy whenever you need. I share the same feeling of been an island but sometime one of us is more prepared to fight the bad weather and can help you through in any way. As a matter of fact , I”ve been coming here to check for a new video several times and was getting concerned why you didn’t show up.
Thank you for all your work, effort, and insights.
Take your time and may God give you the strength and energy you need to overcame this moment and recover all your physical and emotional health. Lots is blessings querida Polly!