I'm Still Alive and Free
I'm Still Alive and FreeJust a quick note of explanation for my regular audience.
I haven't made a new video in a long time and website updates have become irregular. For proof-of-life (hehe) you might want to follow my "associate" on Twitter. (see: (4) Mrs. Smith (@FringeViews) / Twitter )
Many of you know I had intended to take a break in January but put it off to cover the Trucker Convoy in Canada. It was a very important moment for my country so I used every last bit of energy I had to do reports about it at the time. After the convoy coverage I did the one WEF Global Shapers video because I felt the information was important as it gave the public a chance to pinpoint exactly who they could track and approach in their local areas. I was glad to see that information spread far and wide! Thank you to everyone who jumped on that topic and contributed with their own research, sharing the video, etc.
After that Global Shapers report went out, I ran out of gas.
Look, I know these moaning-type posts must be getting boring for you. It's not a subject I want to be writing about, believe me, but I think an explanation is warranted after such a long absence. My apologies if the following comes off as self-indulgent but there are those who I know are worried about me or who are wondering whether or not I'm gone for good so this post is for them. (God bless all of you for your genuine care, concern and connection. I am so grateful and blessed beyond words to have such a wonderful group around me.)
Let me start by acknowledging something important that is missing from the bulk of commentary in this day and age: we are living in a time of disorientation, loss, grief, desperation, information overload, and (mostly falsified) existential terror. We are being tortured, and torture works. People lose themselves. People acquiesce to all sorts of things they didn't think possible under normal circumstances. People go into shock. People give up, they cave in, and people die. Even though torture always succeeds in changing a person, it is not all negative in the end. I would never, ever advocate for torture and believe it to be a great evil, so don't mistake my message here. But there are some individuals who become stronger in some ways from the experience. Changed, and mostly negatively so, but having been forged in the fire their resolve hardens and becomes unbreakable. During the period of torture, however, each individual suffers in different measure according to his or her own constitution. Like it or not, that is where we are now. We are all still enduring the torture. What has been forced upon us for the past two (or more) years has been and continues to be a destruction of society, economy, culture, family, faith and individuals. Whatever stage you're in at the moment, however you are personally dealing with the torture I'm sure you will be able to relate to some of what I'm about to write.
Without getting into details, I can share that I've been lost in the Land of Deep Mourning for a while now. At first, even though the Covid Craziness was horrifying, I had been able to face it because my personal world remained intact. I had a sheltered island to retreat to while the surrounding sea was roiled by fear, doubt and uncertainty. For about 16 months following March 2020 I was able to see, research and deliver all the ugly news without it eating away at my heart and soul. I went to sleep at night peacefully because I felt that from my island I could perhaps help to inform people and thus help bring sanity back to society with my little contributions. This foundation - my island - had been all I needed to be able to carry on staring into the abyss, bring you reports, and even have a chuckle from time to time.
In September my island sunk into the deep. I can't tell you what happened for the sake of privacy though I dearly wish to dilute the exquisite pain contained in the story by pouring it out of me and into the hearts of all who read it. To do so would be selfish, though, so I choose to contain it within. Suffice to say that it was a blindside. The facts took weeks to fully set in and the emotional rollercoaster has not come to a stop yet. Since September I've been dealing with the typical stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining and depression. Since this wasn't a death there's not been an end point. I can't accept it because the future is still unfolding. Maybe instead of 'acceptance' which is supposed to be the final stage of grief I will have to learn to live with it in another way.
In any case, what I found was that I couldn't look at the news any more. All of it was (is?) too painful. I could (can) barely interact with people. Who will I be when I come out the other end of this? How much of this is me being over-dramatic? What do I want for the future and am I even in control of this death/rebirth that I feel I'm going through?
Coincidentally (or probably not) my physical health began to deteriorate as well. It is mostly my eyes, as it was when I'd tried to escape Ontario and drive part way across the country. (Is this God or the Adversary stepping in I wonder?) Perhaps it is related to the fact that everything is twice as difficult to do now but my energy level has plummeted to a concerning level. What with the medical system here having bottomed out - not only will doctors not see patients in the office (hello Great Reset & Telehealth) - but I'm dubious in the extreme about interacting with it anyway.
As you can probably guess much of my work time is spent reading so with very blurry vision, well, you can guess how that has impacted my routine. And not just for reading, of course, but for all aspects of life. Perhaps de to the psychological factors in play I have found that when I try to work I feel nauseated and shaky, like I've been through a form of aversion therapy (torture, maybe.) On the other hand not working and not producing has also been very difficult. This is the basic shape of the hole I'm trying to climb out of with the help of distance, prayer and reflection.
As I type today I believe I'll be able to make a video soon, God willing. I'm feeling a little better lately and I've worked out some 'Mad Max' solutions for my ever-changing vision (see pic). Just a few days ago I got a new pair which works today but may not work a week from now. Luckily I have kept almost every pair of glasses I have ever worn, so I have material to work with. 🙂 Hey - it's a head start on the coping skills we'll all need in the 'you-will-own-nothing-and-be-happy' future, right? I can be the hobo optician. Ha!
Once again I apologize for making a post that is all about me and my problems (cringe) but as I said I've been away long enough that my monthly subscribers and other supporters were owed an honest explanation for my absence.
Thanks for reading, and don't forget to check out that twitter link. Mrs. Smith would be happy to see you.
God bless,
Polly
314
reviews
Kimberly
13 Apr 2022
My dearest Polly. To say I miss you would be an understatement. I was a political idiot. I was asleep. Your investigation and videos educated me into the light.
Sounds pretty flaky but I completely understand everything you are teaching. And I have always hated politics. I have been educating myself on the medical side of things and have taken advantage of Dr. David Martin’s brilliance. However he is an American. You are a true Canadian.
It makes me sad to hear that you are struggling. I pray that God gives you strength and healing as you find your way. Your wisdom is missed but it it more important that you are healthy and strong.
I pray you find comfort. I pray for your health. I pray for your spirit to be healed.
And I thank you for all that you do to wake us up and give us the information we need to make strong decisions and to keep praying that we come through this corruption in tact.
You are making a difference.
K
Sounds pretty flaky but I completely understand everything you are teaching. And I have always hated politics. I have been educating myself on the medical side of things and have taken advantage of Dr. David Martin’s brilliance. However he is an American. You are a true Canadian.
It makes me sad to hear that you are struggling. I pray that God gives you strength and healing as you find your way. Your wisdom is missed but it it more important that you are healthy and strong.
I pray you find comfort. I pray for your health. I pray for your spirit to be healed.
And I thank you for all that you do to wake us up and give us the information we need to make strong decisions and to keep praying that we come through this corruption in tact.
You are making a difference.
K
CV Beton
13 Apr 2022
Sounds like you are going through the exact same thing I am going through, almost in every detail: the grief (in my case - betrayal), the eyesight, the energy loss, overload, and so on. You are right, God is purifying us in a furnace like silver and gold. I prayed and received stronger faith, strength and resolve to not just carry on, but to thrive. You can too. Be safe in God's fist!
Hal Pierce
13 Apr 2022
Well at least they haven't done you in! Take as much time as you feel is needed to recharge. Don't feel guilty about missing self-imposed deadlines and meeting schedules you created. I have a feeling all of your subscribers will be just fine with a pause if it means you return refreshed. This battle we are in is far from over and will have 2nd. 3rd, 4th (etc) acts so it's a marathon, not a foot race. Get well!!
sister in Christ
12 Apr 2022
Hey sister, I wanted to ask if fatigue, vision, and mood, could be iron deficiency? So many people don't get the daily iron they need and will eventually run a person down because iron bring oxygen to most all our organs. I recommend garden of life code raw iron because its from organic food and not synthetic and easier to tolerate. It's a low dose of iron with ingredients that help absorption of the iron. Its not expensive and you could take every day or once a week. vision can be impaired, fatigue, even heart, lung, most organs like I said are affected by iron deficiency. couldn't hurt to try it, take it with some orange juice and a cracker.
Keith
12 Apr 2022
Hi Polly, so sorry to hear you're going through a rough time. Don't apologize for being human and needing to unload that weight off your shoulders. You have taken on a lot with your research and deep dives and have been an invaluable source of education for me and others. I've learned a lot from you and always look forward to watching any new videos you make. Take as much time as you need to restore yourself. God bless you. I hope something can be done about your vision problems. Taking a break from computer screens ought to help somewhat!
Laura
12 Apr 2022
Hi Polly - a suggestion for you about reading glasses. Instead of using glasses ( when possible ), I believe that using a magnifying glass is better for your eyes because it causes less strain and tiredness for your eyes. The reason is because ( so I have heard and believe this to be true ) when you wear galsses, the shape of your eyeball needs to change and adjust. But when you use a magnifying glass, it seems to your eyes that something is just bigger without the change of eyeball shape to accommodate. If you use Amazon, the one that I like the best is called “ WIOR 10X Handled Magnifying glass ( antique copper magnifier with sandalwood handle ). It is real glass with a good magnification, and a comfortable handle. It costs $ 15.99 on Amazon. Anyway, I send you blessings and love.
Anika
12 Apr 2022
Dear, dear Polly, it’s hard to find the words of care I have for you. Thank you for giving us a heads up as to your well-being. I'm praying for you and those close to you. God knows all you are going through and how to apply those prayers. I have also been experiencing the eye problems and use "my" stash of glasses intermittently, as well. Also, pain in every joint in my body makes activity difficult. In any event, I hope that you recover from every problem your mind and body are experiencing and can come back to share your loveliness with us again. Breathe, dear one.
Amy
12 Apr 2022
Hi Polly, please don’t apologize for anything. You are a champion and a warrior for humankind. If the torture broke your spirit I will understand. Your description of your island sinking is happening to many of us. Grief for loss, yet the person/people are still breathing is annihilating. I live with this 7/24 now. So, please come back when you are able. We will be waiting for you.