I'm Still Alive and Free

I'm Still Alive and Free

Just a quick note of explanation for my regular audience.

I haven't made a new video in a long time and website updates have become irregular. For proof-of-life (hehe) you might want to follow my "associate" on Twitter. (see: (4) Mrs. Smith (@FringeViews) / Twitter )

Many of you know I had intended to take a break in January but put it off to cover the Trucker Convoy in Canada. It was a very important moment for my country so I used every last bit of energy I had to do reports about it at the time. After the convoy coverage I did the one WEF Global Shapers video because I felt the information was important as it gave the public a chance to pinpoint exactly who they could track and approach in their local areas. I was glad to see that information spread far and wide! Thank you to everyone who jumped on that topic and contributed with their own research, sharing the video, etc.

After that Global Shapers report went out, I ran out of gas.

Look, I know these moaning-type posts must be getting boring for you. It's not a subject I want to be writing about, believe me, but I think an explanation is warranted after such a long absence. My apologies if the following comes off as self-indulgent but there are those who I know are worried about me or who are wondering whether or not I'm gone for good so this post is for them. (God bless all of you for your genuine care, concern and connection. I am so grateful and blessed beyond words to have such a wonderful group around me.)

Let me start by acknowledging something important that is missing from the bulk of commentary in this day and age: we are living in a time of disorientation, loss, grief, desperation, information overload, and (mostly falsified) existential terror. We are being tortured, and torture works. People lose themselves. People acquiesce to all sorts of things they didn't think possible under normal circumstances. People go into shock. People give up, they cave in, and people die. Even though torture always succeeds in changing a person, it is not all negative in the end. I would never, ever advocate for torture and believe it to be a great evil, so don't mistake my message here. But there are some individuals who become stronger in some ways from the experience. Changed, and mostly negatively so, but having been forged in the fire their resolve hardens and becomes unbreakable. During the period of torture, however, each individual suffers in different measure according to his or her own constitution. Like it or not, that is where we are now. We are all still enduring the torture. What has been forced upon us for the past two (or more) years has been and continues to be a destruction of society, economy, culture, family, faith and individuals. Whatever stage you're in at the moment, however you are personally dealing with the torture I'm sure you will be able to relate to some of what I'm about to write.

Without getting into details, I can share that I've been lost in the Land of Deep Mourning for a while now. At first, even though the Covid Craziness was horrifying, I had been able to face it because my personal world remained intact. I had a sheltered island to retreat to while the surrounding sea was roiled by fear, doubt and uncertainty. For about 16 months following March 2020 I was able to see, research and deliver all the ugly news without it eating away at my heart and soul. I went to sleep at night peacefully because I felt that from my island I could perhaps help to inform people and thus help bring sanity back to society with my little contributions. This foundation - my island - had been all I needed to be able to carry on staring into the abyss, bring you reports, and even have a chuckle from time to time.

In September my island sunk into the deep. I can't tell you what happened for the sake of privacy though I dearly wish to dilute the exquisite pain contained in the story by pouring it out of me and into the hearts of all who read it. To do so would be selfish, though, so I choose to contain it within. Suffice to say that it was a blindside. The facts took weeks to fully set in and the emotional rollercoaster has not come to a stop yet. Since September I've been dealing with the typical stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining and depression. Since this wasn't a death there's not been an end point. I can't accept it because the future is still unfolding. Maybe instead of 'acceptance' which is supposed to be the final stage of grief I will have to learn to live with it in another way.

In any case, what I found was that I couldn't look at the news any more. All of it was (is?) too painful. I could (can) barely interact with people. Who will I be when I come out the other end of this? How much of this is me being over-dramatic? What do I want for the future and am I even in control of this death/rebirth that I feel I'm going through?

Coincidentally (or probably not) my physical health began to deteriorate as well. It is mostly my eyes, as it was when I'd tried to escape Ontario and drive part way across the country. (Is this God or the Adversary stepping in I wonder?) Perhaps it is related to the fact that everything is twice as difficult to do now but my energy level has plummeted to a concerning level. What with the medical system here having bottomed out - not only will doctors not see patients in the office (hello Great Reset & Telehealth) - but I'm dubious in the extreme about interacting with it anyway.

As you can probably guess much of my work time is spent reading so with very blurry vision, well, you can guess how that has impacted my routine. And not just for reading, of course, but for all aspects of life. Perhaps de to the psychological factors in play I have found that when I try to work I feel nauseated and shaky, like I've been through a form of aversion therapy (torture, maybe.) On the other hand not working and not producing has also been very difficult. This is the basic shape of the hole I'm trying to climb out of with the help of distance, prayer and reflection.

As I type today I believe I'll be able to make a video soon, God willing. I'm feeling a little better lately and I've worked out some 'Mad Max' solutions for my ever-changing vision (see pic). Just a few days ago I got a new pair which works today but may not work a week from now. Luckily I have kept almost every pair of glasses I have ever worn, so I have material to work with. 🙂 Hey - it's a head start on the coping skills we'll all need in the 'you-will-own-nothing-and-be-happy' future, right? I can be the hobo optician. Ha!

Once again I apologize for making a post that is all about me and my problems (cringe) but as I said I've been away long enough that my monthly subscribers and other supporters were owed an honest explanation for my absence.

Thanks for reading, and don't forget to check out that twitter link. Mrs. Smith would be happy to see you.

God bless,

Polly

314

reviews

Keith

10 Apr 2022

Dear Polly,
My wife and I have appreciated each and every one of your videos for some time now.
Thank you for your intelligence, careful research and courage.
In this war (and we are in a war) your voice has been one of clarity and hope.
We feel like you are a distant friend, a member of the family, one of our tribe.
It is so good to hear that you are still there.
Please know that our thoughts and prayers go with you.
Please take care of yourself.
It is always darkest before the dawn.

Detra Lanier

10 Apr 2022

Thank you so much for letting us know you're okay. So many people on social media platforms disappear and we never know what happened to them. I pray you get better soon and miss you so much.

Marc

10 Apr 2022

Just remember Polly, God is ultimately in control. Please let the news roll off your back. I do, Just pray for guidance. Once you realize , you can't do anything about the world. Things come into focus
Plus there is an ocular contraption on the internet. If your eyes are giving you trouble. Just tell the device to read the article to you. Wish I knew the name. God bless , take care

DuckBrave (Bruno)

10 Apr 2022

Dear Polly.
So glad to know you're alright (or in the road to getting there 😉). I'm sure you'll be able to solve whatever is necessary - that's just the kind of soul you are)
Tough times for everyone, and perhaps specially for those with the courage to stand in the frontline of the "battle", like you definitely are! And I truly thank you for that, and for the time you took to share what's going on inside you.
I really appreciate that (know it's not easy, for me neither).
Hope to see/ear from you soon (when it suits you).
Love from your Portuguese brother.
PS: if it takes more than a month without news...back to the crusade to find you... hihi!
It seems you are stuck with us! 😉😘

Lou65

10 Apr 2022

Polly ... thanks for the update... I check on you every day. I am sure many of us want to know how you are in every way, please don't apologize, your personal and political sharing is part of why we love you. May be a good time to contemplate the difference between self indulgent and self preservation... taking care of yourself is job one.... done as you see fit.
This war with psychopaths is good vs evil...life and death, as you well know, so the injury this info has inflicted is inevitable... duh. ... although I have seen your vulnerability a few times, I have thought primarily how sweet and calm and positive you have been while shoveling ultimate shit... (I was listening the day you said "I'm not nice" which oddly I think I understand..) Personal betrayal, oh boy, that's another kind of blow to the gut... loosing part of the foundation is serious and ... the fall back and regroup is natural and necessary and I am so glad to see you are doing it... take your time.... sleep, nutrition, prayer, consulatation... (feels a little weird trying to advise someone so intelligent, yet here I am... ) Perhaps as you recover it will feel right to share that story knowing it will be theraputic for you and your audience...
My eyes have been stinging night and day for a year from too much puter time ... the blue light clip-on sheild for glasses aleviated that problem immediately.. also a drop of castor oil in the eye is very soothing . Thank You for your remarkable work...Lou

Thomas

10 Apr 2022

Good to know you're OK Polly. Sending you love, luck, and positivite vibes.

Raquel

10 Apr 2022

Dear Polly, thank you for sharing your current situation and state of mind. You are an open, good hearted, brave and trusting woman and I wish you and your beloved ones all the best 🌸💮🙏
Take your time to recover and research, we are here waiting for you

Steve

10 Apr 2022

I perceive you as a God gifted, multitalented artist. Which means God has gifted you with many ways of expressing your creative self. I would suggest on these periodic overwhelmed moments, that you do take a break. Find solitude and productivity in your many other talents.....and focus to completion while giving thanks to Jesus. As an ‘artist ‘ you have to let it out one way or another.
Keep smiling and God bless!!!

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