I'm Still Alive and Free
I'm Still Alive and FreeJust a quick note of explanation for my regular audience.
I haven't made a new video in a long time and website updates have become irregular. For proof-of-life (hehe) you might want to follow my "associate" on Twitter. (see: (4) Mrs. Smith (@FringeViews) / Twitter )
Many of you know I had intended to take a break in January but put it off to cover the Trucker Convoy in Canada. It was a very important moment for my country so I used every last bit of energy I had to do reports about it at the time. After the convoy coverage I did the one WEF Global Shapers video because I felt the information was important as it gave the public a chance to pinpoint exactly who they could track and approach in their local areas. I was glad to see that information spread far and wide! Thank you to everyone who jumped on that topic and contributed with their own research, sharing the video, etc.
After that Global Shapers report went out, I ran out of gas.
Look, I know these moaning-type posts must be getting boring for you. It's not a subject I want to be writing about, believe me, but I think an explanation is warranted after such a long absence. My apologies if the following comes off as self-indulgent but there are those who I know are worried about me or who are wondering whether or not I'm gone for good so this post is for them. (God bless all of you for your genuine care, concern and connection. I am so grateful and blessed beyond words to have such a wonderful group around me.)
Let me start by acknowledging something important that is missing from the bulk of commentary in this day and age: we are living in a time of disorientation, loss, grief, desperation, information overload, and (mostly falsified) existential terror. We are being tortured, and torture works. People lose themselves. People acquiesce to all sorts of things they didn't think possible under normal circumstances. People go into shock. People give up, they cave in, and people die. Even though torture always succeeds in changing a person, it is not all negative in the end. I would never, ever advocate for torture and believe it to be a great evil, so don't mistake my message here. But there are some individuals who become stronger in some ways from the experience. Changed, and mostly negatively so, but having been forged in the fire their resolve hardens and becomes unbreakable. During the period of torture, however, each individual suffers in different measure according to his or her own constitution. Like it or not, that is where we are now. We are all still enduring the torture. What has been forced upon us for the past two (or more) years has been and continues to be a destruction of society, economy, culture, family, faith and individuals. Whatever stage you're in at the moment, however you are personally dealing with the torture I'm sure you will be able to relate to some of what I'm about to write.
Without getting into details, I can share that I've been lost in the Land of Deep Mourning for a while now. At first, even though the Covid Craziness was horrifying, I had been able to face it because my personal world remained intact. I had a sheltered island to retreat to while the surrounding sea was roiled by fear, doubt and uncertainty. For about 16 months following March 2020 I was able to see, research and deliver all the ugly news without it eating away at my heart and soul. I went to sleep at night peacefully because I felt that from my island I could perhaps help to inform people and thus help bring sanity back to society with my little contributions. This foundation - my island - had been all I needed to be able to carry on staring into the abyss, bring you reports, and even have a chuckle from time to time.
In September my island sunk into the deep. I can't tell you what happened for the sake of privacy though I dearly wish to dilute the exquisite pain contained in the story by pouring it out of me and into the hearts of all who read it. To do so would be selfish, though, so I choose to contain it within. Suffice to say that it was a blindside. The facts took weeks to fully set in and the emotional rollercoaster has not come to a stop yet. Since September I've been dealing with the typical stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining and depression. Since this wasn't a death there's not been an end point. I can't accept it because the future is still unfolding. Maybe instead of 'acceptance' which is supposed to be the final stage of grief I will have to learn to live with it in another way.
In any case, what I found was that I couldn't look at the news any more. All of it was (is?) too painful. I could (can) barely interact with people. Who will I be when I come out the other end of this? How much of this is me being over-dramatic? What do I want for the future and am I even in control of this death/rebirth that I feel I'm going through?
Coincidentally (or probably not) my physical health began to deteriorate as well. It is mostly my eyes, as it was when I'd tried to escape Ontario and drive part way across the country. (Is this God or the Adversary stepping in I wonder?) Perhaps it is related to the fact that everything is twice as difficult to do now but my energy level has plummeted to a concerning level. What with the medical system here having bottomed out - not only will doctors not see patients in the office (hello Great Reset & Telehealth) - but I'm dubious in the extreme about interacting with it anyway.
As you can probably guess much of my work time is spent reading so with very blurry vision, well, you can guess how that has impacted my routine. And not just for reading, of course, but for all aspects of life. Perhaps de to the psychological factors in play I have found that when I try to work I feel nauseated and shaky, like I've been through a form of aversion therapy (torture, maybe.) On the other hand not working and not producing has also been very difficult. This is the basic shape of the hole I'm trying to climb out of with the help of distance, prayer and reflection.
As I type today I believe I'll be able to make a video soon, God willing. I'm feeling a little better lately and I've worked out some 'Mad Max' solutions for my ever-changing vision (see pic). Just a few days ago I got a new pair which works today but may not work a week from now. Luckily I have kept almost every pair of glasses I have ever worn, so I have material to work with. 🙂 Hey - it's a head start on the coping skills we'll all need in the 'you-will-own-nothing-and-be-happy' future, right? I can be the hobo optician. Ha!
Once again I apologize for making a post that is all about me and my problems (cringe) but as I said I've been away long enough that my monthly subscribers and other supporters were owed an honest explanation for my absence.
Thanks for reading, and don't forget to check out that twitter link. Mrs. Smith would be happy to see you.
God bless,
Polly
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reviews
Brian
12 Apr 2022
You deserve any break you decide to take and for however long you need. Truly grateful for your amazing insight and videos. Praying for your well-being.
Rebecca
12 Apr 2022
Thank you for the update. I was very worried. Prayers for your vision and spirit. Much love to you polly
Mia
12 Apr 2022
I just said, where's dear Polly, and I'm so glad I found this update. I will hold you in my heart and prayers! You are loved!
Tara Emmerling
12 Apr 2022
So happy to hear from you I have been praying for you and hoping all was well...God Bless you !!!! You have blessed more folks then you will ever realize. Keep the faith know there are people who Love and care about you....My favorite saying from you PEACE OUT.....Take the time you need to heal God Speed my Northern Friend...
Robin
12 Apr 2022
Thank you for the update. Yes I've been concerned about you. I'm glad to know you are still breathing, praying and moving on this earth! I am looking forward to your return.
Sheila
12 Apr 2022
Hi Polly - first of all, eye sight problems can be related to diabetes, so to be safe, get your fasting blood sugar tested. I've had the same issue since about 2014, mine is intermittent though - I will go from great vision to needing 3x readers to even read normal print on a package, then back to normal again almost as if someone flipped a switch. My issues coincided with my now 8+ years of ongoing harassment by - I have no idea who. "Gangstalking" possibly. Not sure. Someone suggested at one point that it could be "silent migraines" but I don't get auras or anything and don't get headaches ever and never experienced this until 2014, which is when long-term harassment, including suicide suggestions, began. I have some theories, but what I really want to know is why you said you longed for the days when your favourite song would come on the radio and energize you, because that's also my experience and weird radio shit has been a part of my life also since 2014. If you want to discuss, feel free to email me and I will send my number if you want to discuss. Maybe we can help each other. I will tell you this, though...my ex asked me in 2015 or 2016 what certain songs meant or represented to me. One was "otherside", "santa monica, all kinds of shit - I am running out of characters, so I will leave it there for now. email me if you want to discuss!
Lisa Wall
12 Apr 2022
May The LORD bless you and keep you;
May the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you;
May the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.
In this veil of tea rs, my sweet friend, our heavenly Father is by our side. He provides the joy that surpasses all understanding. Walk in the garden and abide in Him. He conquered the world first.
Love to you.
May the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you;
May the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.
In this veil of tea rs, my sweet friend, our heavenly Father is by our side. He provides the joy that surpasses all understanding. Walk in the garden and abide in Him. He conquered the world first.
Love to you.
Croneinthewoods
12 Apr 2022
A WWII friend of mine used to respond to the greeting "How ya doing?" with "I am above ground". He was an Omaha Beach Normandy D-Day survivor. W/each passing day his joke, but not a joke answer is how I feel. So, Miss Polly, I am glad to know you are above ground, and holding on. Keep the Faith, it is what we have to do. Hugs and Prayers.
'Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm'.
'Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace within the storm'.