I'm Still Alive and Free
I'm Still Alive and FreeJust a quick note of explanation for my regular audience.
I haven't made a new video in a long time and website updates have become irregular. For proof-of-life (hehe) you might want to follow my "associate" on Twitter. (see: (4) Mrs. Smith (@FringeViews) / Twitter )
Many of you know I had intended to take a break in January but put it off to cover the Trucker Convoy in Canada. It was a very important moment for my country so I used every last bit of energy I had to do reports about it at the time. After the convoy coverage I did the one WEF Global Shapers video because I felt the information was important as it gave the public a chance to pinpoint exactly who they could track and approach in their local areas. I was glad to see that information spread far and wide! Thank you to everyone who jumped on that topic and contributed with their own research, sharing the video, etc.
After that Global Shapers report went out, I ran out of gas.
Look, I know these moaning-type posts must be getting boring for you. It's not a subject I want to be writing about, believe me, but I think an explanation is warranted after such a long absence. My apologies if the following comes off as self-indulgent but there are those who I know are worried about me or who are wondering whether or not I'm gone for good so this post is for them. (God bless all of you for your genuine care, concern and connection. I am so grateful and blessed beyond words to have such a wonderful group around me.)
Let me start by acknowledging something important that is missing from the bulk of commentary in this day and age: we are living in a time of disorientation, loss, grief, desperation, information overload, and (mostly falsified) existential terror. We are being tortured, and torture works. People lose themselves. People acquiesce to all sorts of things they didn't think possible under normal circumstances. People go into shock. People give up, they cave in, and people die. Even though torture always succeeds in changing a person, it is not all negative in the end. I would never, ever advocate for torture and believe it to be a great evil, so don't mistake my message here. But there are some individuals who become stronger in some ways from the experience. Changed, and mostly negatively so, but having been forged in the fire their resolve hardens and becomes unbreakable. During the period of torture, however, each individual suffers in different measure according to his or her own constitution. Like it or not, that is where we are now. We are all still enduring the torture. What has been forced upon us for the past two (or more) years has been and continues to be a destruction of society, economy, culture, family, faith and individuals. Whatever stage you're in at the moment, however you are personally dealing with the torture I'm sure you will be able to relate to some of what I'm about to write.
Without getting into details, I can share that I've been lost in the Land of Deep Mourning for a while now. At first, even though the Covid Craziness was horrifying, I had been able to face it because my personal world remained intact. I had a sheltered island to retreat to while the surrounding sea was roiled by fear, doubt and uncertainty. For about 16 months following March 2020 I was able to see, research and deliver all the ugly news without it eating away at my heart and soul. I went to sleep at night peacefully because I felt that from my island I could perhaps help to inform people and thus help bring sanity back to society with my little contributions. This foundation - my island - had been all I needed to be able to carry on staring into the abyss, bring you reports, and even have a chuckle from time to time.
In September my island sunk into the deep. I can't tell you what happened for the sake of privacy though I dearly wish to dilute the exquisite pain contained in the story by pouring it out of me and into the hearts of all who read it. To do so would be selfish, though, so I choose to contain it within. Suffice to say that it was a blindside. The facts took weeks to fully set in and the emotional rollercoaster has not come to a stop yet. Since September I've been dealing with the typical stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining and depression. Since this wasn't a death there's not been an end point. I can't accept it because the future is still unfolding. Maybe instead of 'acceptance' which is supposed to be the final stage of grief I will have to learn to live with it in another way.
In any case, what I found was that I couldn't look at the news any more. All of it was (is?) too painful. I could (can) barely interact with people. Who will I be when I come out the other end of this? How much of this is me being over-dramatic? What do I want for the future and am I even in control of this death/rebirth that I feel I'm going through?
Coincidentally (or probably not) my physical health began to deteriorate as well. It is mostly my eyes, as it was when I'd tried to escape Ontario and drive part way across the country. (Is this God or the Adversary stepping in I wonder?) Perhaps it is related to the fact that everything is twice as difficult to do now but my energy level has plummeted to a concerning level. What with the medical system here having bottomed out - not only will doctors not see patients in the office (hello Great Reset & Telehealth) - but I'm dubious in the extreme about interacting with it anyway.
As you can probably guess much of my work time is spent reading so with very blurry vision, well, you can guess how that has impacted my routine. And not just for reading, of course, but for all aspects of life. Perhaps de to the psychological factors in play I have found that when I try to work I feel nauseated and shaky, like I've been through a form of aversion therapy (torture, maybe.) On the other hand not working and not producing has also been very difficult. This is the basic shape of the hole I'm trying to climb out of with the help of distance, prayer and reflection.
As I type today I believe I'll be able to make a video soon, God willing. I'm feeling a little better lately and I've worked out some 'Mad Max' solutions for my ever-changing vision (see pic). Just a few days ago I got a new pair which works today but may not work a week from now. Luckily I have kept almost every pair of glasses I have ever worn, so I have material to work with. 🙂 Hey - it's a head start on the coping skills we'll all need in the 'you-will-own-nothing-and-be-happy' future, right? I can be the hobo optician. Ha!
Once again I apologize for making a post that is all about me and my problems (cringe) but as I said I've been away long enough that my monthly subscribers and other supporters were owed an honest explanation for my absence.
Thanks for reading, and don't forget to check out that twitter link. Mrs. Smith would be happy to see you.
God bless,
Polly
314
reviews
Sonja
23 Apr 2022
Dear Polly, I 'know' you from a while back and was just checking in when I discovered you had not posted for a while, and had not been well lately. I very much wish you recovery! From what you write I recognize a lot, except I am blessed to still have my sheltered base. I wish you soon somehow will manage to rebuild one? With regard to the current situation: so difficult to fully experience indeed! People are laughing and eating and playing as if all is well. Hope is springing up again, as if after winter. Hope against hope that we could wake up from just a very bad dream? To see the laughing and playing and hoping, and to know what is actually happening, is nearly impossible to bear. And it is not that humanity was not warned (Little Red Riding Hood, the story, forewarned and told ALL already! (in 2017 I felt we were en masse in the forest picking flowers, but it has been a while now we entered the house that we thought we knew, but that now felt so strange, walking towards that bed, seeing but not recognizing who lays there..). My own eyes are now also blurry, and am living in a haze for the last 3 weeks now, improvising with one eye, and glasses. But the eye thing, even if inconvenient, is not the main thing. It is that all is tupsy turvey. People's hope, for the most part, has been so utterly misplaced. Where I am it will be Easter tomorrow. REAL Hope, and strength, from there! And help from Michael and Saint George!
Lee
23 Apr 2022
Waves come up like salt water and you're looking for the lighthouse. You feel like you're drowning at times. The tears flowing, fill up that ocean that surrounds you. I'm having a hard time watching or listening to the news as well. It's so depressing. How are people not affected! Many will say Lord Lord and not find the door. You know why. Hypocrites will not enter the kingdom of heaven.
Nature is our healer. Turn off the electronics and get out in nature. Notice every leaf on every tree, smell the aroma, feel their textures. Electronics are part of the beast. We have to stay grounded in in order to stay healthy. Go outside, take your shoes off, feel the ground under your feet. Shake off that electronic charge. Painting is mindless... I like to paint. I still prefer to feel the grass under my feet. It just works.
Nature is our healer. Turn off the electronics and get out in nature. Notice every leaf on every tree, smell the aroma, feel their textures. Electronics are part of the beast. We have to stay grounded in in order to stay healthy. Go outside, take your shoes off, feel the ground under your feet. Shake off that electronic charge. Painting is mindless... I like to paint. I still prefer to feel the grass under my feet. It just works.
Abigail
23 Apr 2022
Sending all our love Polly. You'll be fine. Take all the time you need. Xx
Nancy Taormina
22 Apr 2022
You're a great person. Thanks for all. Look into "eyebright", which is an herb, not dangerous at all.
If you smoke, buy certified organic tobacco and roll your own in organic leaves or whatever. Turn the brightness way down. Always have indirect lighting, and not those bulbs that save energy. The normal incandescent is the safest if one can find them. Eufrasia is the latin name of eyebright and it works on the liver and really helps any eye trouble in my opinion. Eye exams make eyesight worse like the CAT scan of the eye or glaucoma test. Dandelion leaves are real good for eyes, to eat. Stick with 100% organic food. Chemicals make us sadder than we already feel by the happenings around us. I wish you protection and health.
If you smoke, buy certified organic tobacco and roll your own in organic leaves or whatever. Turn the brightness way down. Always have indirect lighting, and not those bulbs that save energy. The normal incandescent is the safest if one can find them. Eufrasia is the latin name of eyebright and it works on the liver and really helps any eye trouble in my opinion. Eye exams make eyesight worse like the CAT scan of the eye or glaucoma test. Dandelion leaves are real good for eyes, to eat. Stick with 100% organic food. Chemicals make us sadder than we already feel by the happenings around us. I wish you protection and health.
Adele Krichbaum
22 Apr 2022
Dear Polly, I know exactly how you feel. I'm a widow who is also the only caregiver to my only child who has classic profound autism; the "demic" has taken its toll on both of us and we weren't so great before that; when my husband passed, it hurt me but really messed with my son's mind; he is so much more dependent upon me. Being on social security and 69 in a rural deep south (US) state is a bit of a challenge but better than being in a "blue" state. I get about the doctors and health care; I avoid except for my eye exams, yearly physical (thyroid) and annual gyn check. And I've personally known these doctors for 25 or more years. I totally hear you and sympathize and empathize. My approach to going maskless when 2/3 of the world is still wearing is pretty makeup and hair; big smile, friendly hello or how are you? and SMILE, SMILE, SMILE. Also, I rekindled my deep spirituality after a dark period when my husband passed away and I was all alone with my grown son with autism and having problems (mental). So, I started reading the Bible from Genesis straight through; that started in July 2021; I am now in the end of Isaiah. I can honestly say I've never been closer to God. He gives me all my strength. Every morning I get up to pray and read, and I have to cry first. I never used to cry in my whole life, not even after my husband passed away after the first year (mostly). I've always been strong and knew who I am. There, now I've talked all about me. But I think it helps
Crowned Lion
22 Apr 2022
Welcome back Polly. I re-iterate what all the others have said. We all experience these depression states. Some of us seem to care so much about others that it effects us physically. Empaths I believe its called. Anyway, thank you for taking the time to explain the time gap. We missed you. We actually do worry about our content creators. And your the best, most pure voice out here. Thank you. And God willing the reward is worth the struggle. As I have said many times. Lean on us. We lean on you. If I can help from the States in any way shape or form do not hesitate.
Karen Rashkis
22 Apr 2022
I missed you Polly and just returned to see you have been on one of those blindsided journeys. Not at all fun, but I have heard, once over the huge bump in the road, there is a sunset. I am looking for it myself. You are courageous when it is lacking everywhere. Where I live, most people are masked. They are good little soldiers. Do we ever come back from all of this I wonder? I don't feel completely hopeless, but see few who have hope. I know we didn't get here overnight. Covid was the test of all tests for those who want control. Yes, it has worked. Like you, I expect another masking any day. I will not comply. Let's not give up this time.
Donna Ruth
22 Apr 2022
I imagine all your followers will easily relate to what you shared. We have all endured it to a varying degree - but you are in the vanguard and "out there," so the attacks on you will be many and varied from the world, the flesh, and the devil. Personally I relate to your eye woes. Got my new prescription 10 months ago and within a few months the vision had shifted dramatically and continues to shift. Compromised by too much screen time?
I must thank you profusely for your work on the (re-issued) Ukraine piece in 2019 - talk about prophetic. Your tenacious digging and your ability to teach and link are a great gift to us. I have listened to it twice and plan to listen again. May God bless you, protect you from all evil and bring you to life everlasting.
I must thank you profusely for your work on the (re-issued) Ukraine piece in 2019 - talk about prophetic. Your tenacious digging and your ability to teach and link are a great gift to us. I have listened to it twice and plan to listen again. May God bless you, protect you from all evil and bring you to life everlasting.