I'm Still Alive and Free
I'm Still Alive and FreeJust a quick note of explanation for my regular audience.
I haven't made a new video in a long time and website updates have become irregular. For proof-of-life (hehe) you might want to follow my "associate" on Twitter. (see: (4) Mrs. Smith (@FringeViews) / Twitter )
Many of you know I had intended to take a break in January but put it off to cover the Trucker Convoy in Canada. It was a very important moment for my country so I used every last bit of energy I had to do reports about it at the time. After the convoy coverage I did the one WEF Global Shapers video because I felt the information was important as it gave the public a chance to pinpoint exactly who they could track and approach in their local areas. I was glad to see that information spread far and wide! Thank you to everyone who jumped on that topic and contributed with their own research, sharing the video, etc.
After that Global Shapers report went out, I ran out of gas.
Look, I know these moaning-type posts must be getting boring for you. It's not a subject I want to be writing about, believe me, but I think an explanation is warranted after such a long absence. My apologies if the following comes off as self-indulgent but there are those who I know are worried about me or who are wondering whether or not I'm gone for good so this post is for them. (God bless all of you for your genuine care, concern and connection. I am so grateful and blessed beyond words to have such a wonderful group around me.)
Let me start by acknowledging something important that is missing from the bulk of commentary in this day and age: we are living in a time of disorientation, loss, grief, desperation, information overload, and (mostly falsified) existential terror. We are being tortured, and torture works. People lose themselves. People acquiesce to all sorts of things they didn't think possible under normal circumstances. People go into shock. People give up, they cave in, and people die. Even though torture always succeeds in changing a person, it is not all negative in the end. I would never, ever advocate for torture and believe it to be a great evil, so don't mistake my message here. But there are some individuals who become stronger in some ways from the experience. Changed, and mostly negatively so, but having been forged in the fire their resolve hardens and becomes unbreakable. During the period of torture, however, each individual suffers in different measure according to his or her own constitution. Like it or not, that is where we are now. We are all still enduring the torture. What has been forced upon us for the past two (or more) years has been and continues to be a destruction of society, economy, culture, family, faith and individuals. Whatever stage you're in at the moment, however you are personally dealing with the torture I'm sure you will be able to relate to some of what I'm about to write.
Without getting into details, I can share that I've been lost in the Land of Deep Mourning for a while now. At first, even though the Covid Craziness was horrifying, I had been able to face it because my personal world remained intact. I had a sheltered island to retreat to while the surrounding sea was roiled by fear, doubt and uncertainty. For about 16 months following March 2020 I was able to see, research and deliver all the ugly news without it eating away at my heart and soul. I went to sleep at night peacefully because I felt that from my island I could perhaps help to inform people and thus help bring sanity back to society with my little contributions. This foundation - my island - had been all I needed to be able to carry on staring into the abyss, bring you reports, and even have a chuckle from time to time.
In September my island sunk into the deep. I can't tell you what happened for the sake of privacy though I dearly wish to dilute the exquisite pain contained in the story by pouring it out of me and into the hearts of all who read it. To do so would be selfish, though, so I choose to contain it within. Suffice to say that it was a blindside. The facts took weeks to fully set in and the emotional rollercoaster has not come to a stop yet. Since September I've been dealing with the typical stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining and depression. Since this wasn't a death there's not been an end point. I can't accept it because the future is still unfolding. Maybe instead of 'acceptance' which is supposed to be the final stage of grief I will have to learn to live with it in another way.
In any case, what I found was that I couldn't look at the news any more. All of it was (is?) too painful. I could (can) barely interact with people. Who will I be when I come out the other end of this? How much of this is me being over-dramatic? What do I want for the future and am I even in control of this death/rebirth that I feel I'm going through?
Coincidentally (or probably not) my physical health began to deteriorate as well. It is mostly my eyes, as it was when I'd tried to escape Ontario and drive part way across the country. (Is this God or the Adversary stepping in I wonder?) Perhaps it is related to the fact that everything is twice as difficult to do now but my energy level has plummeted to a concerning level. What with the medical system here having bottomed out - not only will doctors not see patients in the office (hello Great Reset & Telehealth) - but I'm dubious in the extreme about interacting with it anyway.
As you can probably guess much of my work time is spent reading so with very blurry vision, well, you can guess how that has impacted my routine. And not just for reading, of course, but for all aspects of life. Perhaps de to the psychological factors in play I have found that when I try to work I feel nauseated and shaky, like I've been through a form of aversion therapy (torture, maybe.) On the other hand not working and not producing has also been very difficult. This is the basic shape of the hole I'm trying to climb out of with the help of distance, prayer and reflection.
As I type today I believe I'll be able to make a video soon, God willing. I'm feeling a little better lately and I've worked out some 'Mad Max' solutions for my ever-changing vision (see pic). Just a few days ago I got a new pair which works today but may not work a week from now. Luckily I have kept almost every pair of glasses I have ever worn, so I have material to work with. 🙂 Hey - it's a head start on the coping skills we'll all need in the 'you-will-own-nothing-and-be-happy' future, right? I can be the hobo optician. Ha!
Once again I apologize for making a post that is all about me and my problems (cringe) but as I said I've been away long enough that my monthly subscribers and other supporters were owed an honest explanation for my absence.
Thanks for reading, and don't forget to check out that twitter link. Mrs. Smith would be happy to see you.
God bless,
Polly
314
reviews
Michael
11 Apr 2022
Thank you for all your work. I tune in to you here in Sydney, Australia and salute your upbeat style and smile and am constantly amazed at your doggedness and incredible reporting. Of all the hundreds of commentators I've encountered these past few years, you are right up amongst my top 3 or 4. Hopefully you are able to recover.
Bruno
11 Apr 2022
Hey Polly I feel your pain its hard to live now with the world so divided, Thats why now I just focus on "Ok what am I gonna do about it" there are groups forming in certain areas of the country and I feel joining these communities will be essential but its hard not everyone is able to pick everything up and leave. Keep on keeping on Polly you are awesome, also I love Cafe St. George!!!
Dear Polly, I will keep you in my prayers! I understand how you suffer over everything so evil in this world! You have inspired and impacted me greatly! I share (usually one by one) much of your research. I will pray for your eyes, stamina, and strength. Return when you feel like it, no pressure, you deserve a good long vacation! Isaiah 26:3 You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You.
Sheri Samuels
11 Apr 2022
Dear Polly, We miss you, we pray for you, & take time to do your grieving. Lots of dk green leafy veggies, Omega 3's and get some fresh air and sunshine, please. We want you healthy and happy. Wherever your journey takes you remember our best wishes and blessings go with you. Hugs and God bless, one grateful viewer.
Bex
11 Apr 2022
Dear Polly,
Hang in there.. I feel your pain and want you to know that you are an incredibly strong and beautiful woman and soul. Sending you lots of love and prayers. There is going to be better times ahead. Have faith. ❤❤❤🤗 we all miss you! Much love from the USA. Sincerely, Bex
Hang in there.. I feel your pain and want you to know that you are an incredibly strong and beautiful woman and soul. Sending you lots of love and prayers. There is going to be better times ahead. Have faith. ❤❤❤🤗 we all miss you! Much love from the USA. Sincerely, Bex
Chelle B
10 Apr 2022
Hey Polly and everyone who is here checking up on her, as I am. Just want to let you all know there are millions of us and although we may feel alone, we aren't because we have one another and we have our Father who is in full control. We are entering into the Great Tribulation so prepare yourselves in every way possible because things are about to get very rough. We can do this, as long as we don't allow ourselves to be pulled down by the flood of lies in these last days. We can do this, as long as we remain faithful and lean on our Father to help us get through. We can do this, as long as we remember why we came to this planet to begin with. We were chosen and we chose to be here. Our souls wanted to be here for this very time. We will be tested. We will be hated. We will be persecuted. But we will endure!
We can do this.
God bless every one of us, including you, Miss Polly.
We can do this.
God bless every one of us, including you, Miss Polly.
Nancy Butler
10 Apr 2022
Wow. Polly. You’ve described me. I’m an American who owns a home in Ontario. I haven’t seen my home in 25 months, and I’m so . We’re an unvaccinated family living in a world gone mad. Worried we won’t see our Canadian home or family again. I’m so sorry for the difficulty you experienced, but by sharing your story, you’ve made me feel like I’m not alone. I pray that God rids us of this indescribable, palpable evil that’s infiltrated our world. May God bless and keep you, Polly.
Alice E Cyr
10 Apr 2022
Hi Tambra,,, I read your post, beautifully said, Please pray for me too, i'm being persecuted by two of my adult daughters. The enemy has deceived them into offenses that they believe are true. Over petty stuff, unreal. they live out of state and have not called me for at least a month, one daughter six weeks. Its so sad, they supposedly believe in Christ, but i'm not seeing too much fruit. I do forgive them, but it still hurts badly! I have layed them on the altar before the Lord. thank you,, Let's keep praying for Amazingpolly, that she is renewed in His presence, that she feels God's deep love for her and her eyes are healed. Keep the faith! God wins